Originally written, or more randomly typed, by Plasticfantastic and EmbryonicRabbit68 then revised latter.This is in all good fun, and was a kinda spurr of the moment thing, that sounded interesting.It is an odd, strange story built upon some of our favorite musicians, and there is completely no seriousness in it whatsoever, so no nit-picking!Enjoy!
Here it goes...
Once upon a time, in a forum far, far away, there was a man named Bernard Shakey. He formed a band with a man known as The Lizard King. Their first album was called Abbey Toad, then the second one Post Waters Pig (their foray into metal), and then Sabbatical(I Wanna Rock Your Body(Till the break of dawn)).They never got big and were quickly forgotten, but then all of the sudden Marty Balin began going out at night disguised as a 1950s greaser. It became his 'other' personality when his songwritting became less important within Jefferson Airplane. Then, quite PO’d with Marty’s disinterest in normal musician things and greaser wannabe tendencies, Grace Slick, Keith Moon and Ian Gillan decided to form a side project from their own bands, circa 1971 when JA wasn’t touring, Deep Purple was inactive due to certain members getting certain STDs, and The Who(Pete Townsend) was incommunicado working on Lifehouse. No one knows why they decided to form a band, or why they even knew eachother, but the universe let it happen, and soon, you will read why it should have never happened, and why acid need not be blamed for ALL the crackpot ideas. The story continues...
They became the Gillan-Moon-Slick(GMS) Band. Grace sang and played keyboards, Ian sang, played bass and congos, and Keith blew up drum sets. They recorded an album of Emerson, Lake and Palmer and Frank Zappa covers, and it was released in 1972 as Burnt Pancake Falafel Salad Surgery. It was horrid, truly horrid, and only sold nine copies, to the members themselves, and to their respective gradmothers. Despite this disappointment, GMS began putting together a Broadway musical, and went through a rather dreadful showtune phase. Fortunately, they were dropped from their record label minutes after the debut album, and the musical was never staged. At their debut performance, playing the play, Keith placed C4 charges and grenades all over his drumset and shot it with a bazooka, levelling the Royal Albert Hall. Grace’s Piano was thrown at Ian’s bongos, damaging them quite badly. As result, Ian quit in frustration.GMS Band was over in just the space of a few weeks. They were forgotten rather quickly, but far from completely. In mid-1972, Jorma Kaukonen, Dee Dee Ramone and Miles Davis decide to capitalise on the odd supergroups, and formed a band. They went under the name We're Shiny and Purple (WSAP).
WSAP began performing early on, actually without rehearsals at all, and didn’t play songs. Just free-form jams, opening for Greaser Marty Balin to sing a two-hour version of "Come Up The Years", followed by a rousing rendition of “Rock Around The Clock”, which lasted only about an hour on good days.Eventually, Frank Zappa caught on to the glory of this newfound supergroup, and had to get the WSAP message out there! He signed them, and their first album came out in January 1973. Again, only nine people bought it, the members of GMS band, and their now confused grannies. WSAP were never aware of this first live album’s existence, as Zappa was recording their shows and randomly released them in secret, without the band’s, or anyone’s knowledge. However, in December 1973, out came “Songs For The Knitting Circle”, which hit #3 in the charts, a smash hit. Soon WSAP was garnering attention, and loving it. They headlined Stadium tours playing their free-form jams, being chased by mad crowds of old ladies with baked goods, all of them eager to tape bootlegs to take back to their own personal knitting circles.
At this time, Emerson, Lake and Palmer(ELP) stops recording. Jimi Hendrix, who in this world never died, and in fact is immortal, joins, and they become HELP. They become twice as popular as ELP was. In early 1974, Animal from the Muppets is recruited on drums to WSAP, thus adding to the madness. The now-quartet released There’s A Hole in My Heart and Your Love put a Bullet in It, a free-form Country/Jazz/Metal album, which disappointingly reached only number 16. During the recording of this groundbreaking album, Dee Dee announced his love for Animal, and they got married. Their marriage was good for a while, but eventually they were haunted by dreams of jumping sausages, and Greaser Marty Balin announced his love for Animal. It tore the marraige apart, and tragically, when the marraige fell apart, so did WSAP. However, in late-1974 Dee Dee left the band to form The Ramones, and We're Shiny and Purple became Animal’s Shiny and Purple (ASAP).The court-cases dragged on for a year, which ceased the band’s touring schedule. Their lawyer/barrister/drug dealer was Ginger Baker, who had no legal experience whatsoever. On one rather pathetic occasion, forgetting he was their lawyer, he embezzled millions of dollars from the band’s corporation, and upon discovering his mistake, paid them back in baked goods, adding to their stockpile built up from their old lady fanbase.
In early 1975, Jorma left ASAP, and tried to get a lawyer to sue the band for taking his "Baked"..."goods". ASAP was now reformed to, Animal(drums) and Miles Davis(horns) with Roger Waters and John Cipollina replacing Dee Dee and Jorma, respectively. Jorma could only settle with Jack Bruce, also without legal experience, and hated Ginger Baker with a passion, leading to some terribly interesting court appearances, and several serious in-court injuries. This battle ended in January 1976 with the break up of ASAP, and all parties involved everyone settling their differences around some tea and cakes (courtesy of their old lady fans). Jack and Ginger settled their differences, got back together with Eric Clapton and reformed Cream, as well, which provided for some entertainment with the food. A festival was held in March in honor of the GMS Band, which was only now being discovered for their true potential. Jefferson Airplane, HELP, Quicksilver Messenger Service and The Grateful Dead joint headlined, the latter two battling it out like cowboys and Indians onstage with pet wolves and such. The frivolity ended when The Who showed up and destroyed the Dead’s equipment, angering Bob Weir the most. Of course, the true highlight of the festival was the final WSAP gig, a reformation of the original line-up, playing the first album live. Of course, nothing really ends forever...
Jack and Ginger still hated each other, despite having settled their differences years earlier over tea and cakes, and after the festival, they had a gunfight to settle the legal affairs, conveniently placedDino Valenti acting as ref. Neither of the fighters were shot, since neither of them had any experience firing guns, just back-alley knife fights with Marty Balin’s evil twin brother Darty, who has a mustache. However, Jack Bruce’s pet armadillo Patsy was shot, but miraculously not injured because of her armour. However, the poor dear had tons of psychological damage that was never truly repaired. It went into a deep depression, and ran away with Doctor Schmittenheimerschiellenhitlerschmit to his Volcano Bunker, where she was transformed into a robot armadillo. The volcano erupted, and out came a giant egg. The egg hatched, and out came Tarkus, half tank/half armadillo. It roamed the land until defeated by a manticore, becoming an Aquatarkus. This was documented by a reformed Emerson, Lake and Palmer.
Keith Moon ate the Aquatarkus on the summer solstice 1976, and grew 100 feet high and battled Godzilla. Bob Weir, still enraged at The Who, tried to attack him, but was too small, and just succeeded in getting a nasty headache. The only thing that could really stop a 100-foot Keith Mooniesaurus (as he liked to be called) was a giant guitar to the head. However, since this remedy was not readily available, everyone had to work together to defeat Mooniesaurus, and a massive supergroup was formed by Cream, JA, Quicksilver, Dead, ELP and a reformed GMS band, with Signe Anderson in for Slick and John Bonham in for Moon, before being joined by Rick Wakeman, Peter Bardens, Vincent Crane, Gary Brooker and Alan Price all playing a 69-hour keyboard solo to calm the Mooniesaurus. They formed an army, symbolized with leprachaun outfits and bracelets with Jorma on them, and eating peaches as initiation.
All the while, Dino Valenti had a fit over the bad gunfight between Jack and Ginger. So Marty and his brothers Darty and George, who was a dragqueen under the name Pavarti, tried to calm Dino with baked goods stolen from the WSAP fund. By this point, everyone from the court-case was so bankrupt, all they had left was a giant pile of baked goods, some of which they burnt to stay warm. This led to Grace Slick getting in a fight with Bob Weir, which latter entangled Abbie Hoffman and Johnny Cash.
Soon, King Crimson(Robert Fripp) joined the massive supermegagroup to stop Mooniesaurus. However, Fripp didn’t like the initiation process, and decided to fire them all. Not being a member, Fripp was just rejected. He went to form a band with Ritchie Blackmore, but they disliked each other and fired each other. It turned into an endless vicious circle of them firing each other for a number of years, until Pete Townsend attacked them with his guitar to end it. Ritchie then threw a flaming amp at Pete, and Keith Emerson threw various Hammond Organs and Moogs at them while Roger Daltrey choked Gordon Haskell with his mic and Ian Anderson jumped into it and attacked everyone with his flute while Mooniesaurus continued to wreck havoc. It was chaos. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Meanwhile, Marty, Darty and Pavarti do a dance to cheer up Dino. They had parasols and it was very lovely. Pavarti brewed some nice tea and gave it to him. He stopped sulking, and they joined the supermegagroup. Thats when John Entwistle and Rob Tyner tried to help, but they only succeeded in bothering them all. Real botherment. Just before Mooniesaurus almost ate his dear bass player, they were all tied into a net and thrown onto a starship to outerspace. No contact with the rest of the human race made killing each other seemed less desirable. PEACE WAS REIGNING!
The starship broke down when Robert Fripp broke the engine throwing a fit over being filmed at a concert, which made him very upset! Then they crashed on the moon, and found they could breathe there. They began to start a new society, but it fell apart when they ran out of toilet paper.
When the starship left the moon, Paul Kantner had a freak out because he didn’t make it onto the ship. He was especially pissed because he was trying to hijack the same starship for years. All left on Earth was Paul and Mooniesaurus, and Mooniesaurus was hungry. FLASHBACK!
We zoom out to a scene of Earth. Then we zoom out and we see Marty Balin as he was just delivered in the hosptal. He is coudled by his mother, then we zoom out and we see an alone baby in a desert, then we zoom out and we see a kid in a sandbox, we zoom out of that and its a magnet on a fridge at an office of a business as a business man goes by, we zoom out of that and its some random object Ozzie Osborne has decided to snort up his nose, and we zoom out of that and we see Earth again, and we zoom out of that and its a button on a jacket Marty is wearing in mid-performance with JA. As they finish Volunteers, Mooniesaurus appears causing havoc in Golden Gate Park! DOUBLE TWIST ENDING!
Then, Marty runs into a telephone booth and comes out as Greaser Marty!, and tries to stop Mooniesaurus once and for all! Mooniesaurus is angered, and has a helpless Paul Kantner in his hands, who for some reason is wearing a white dress and screaming girlishly. The U.S Airforce tries to shoot him down as he climbs Empire State Building(which Ginger Baker bought and moved to San Fran with the millions he embezzled from WSAP, along with London Bridge), and Greaser Marty tries to convince the U.S government he doesn’t mean any harm!
And just as the Mooniesaurus is about to bring Paul to uncertain death in his big, sharp, pointy teeth, Greaser Marty dons his purple velvet cape and matching jumpsuit, which totally blows the greaser thing (but it's worth it for a friend in need) and, striking a dramatic pose, rushes to save him! He jumps into his Martymobile, and quick as a flash, he floats up to where Paul is about to reach almost certain demise... Then Paul kicks him in the face. Mooniesaurus falls upon San Francisco crushing all in his wake. What Marty doesnt know, is that Grace had already been eaten by the Mooniesaurus, but miraculously cheated death. Paul was taking this chance to be gallant and come and keep her company, because he would have no way of saving her.
For now, Marty is unconcious but out of danger. Paul and Grace party in the stomach of Mooniesaurus, Paul in the white dress, Grace in nothing at all, whereas everyone else in the story seems to have gone AWOL. And THATS how the Airplane actually broke up.
No acid was consumed in the creation of this work... really.
Hide, Witch, Hide!
The Good Folks come to Burn Thee
Their Keen Enjoyment hid Behind
The Gothic Mask of Duty!