I don’t actually think she constantly thinks of death.
She does tend to mention it sometimes in a funny/sarcastic way, and some of me thinks that’s just her way of dealing with any fear or apprehension or whatever about it. You know, get on the defensive first and laugh at it or be rude or blunt about it before it comes to get you “unprepared” or such?
I think she’s happy in general. She seems happy to me, despite any talk of her own “rotting” body, or bits “falling apart” and all that. And I mean, with Grace as we all know, she does tend to say things rather bluntly at times. Where most people her age might say how their leg aches or whatever, she’ll say her leg’s gonna fall off cause she’s old and stuff. Lol. You know what she’s like. I do think she’s happy. I think she enjoys life, and especially the little things, you know? Simple things. They’re really important to appreciate, at any age.
Rabbit, I understand your fears about people you love, including Grace, dying. I don’t think about death all the time and I don’t worry about Grace dying all the time (if I do actually dwell on it, which I don’t tend to do, then of course I get sad and prefer not to think about it for very long), but I do find I get really scared about my parents dying and think about this a LOT, to the point where I’m wondering if it’s irrational and if I might have some kind of anxiety disorder specific to this fear.
Sometimes when I’m lying in bed at night I get so scared the phone will ring, because that to me would mean someone had died or something. If ever I’m at work and can’t answer my phone and then later I check it and see I’ve missed a call from my parents, I freak out that something’s happened, even though it’s just normal stuff.
I think my irrational fear of this stems from me living in another state from them, so if something DID happen, I’d take ages to get there and it’d just be even more traumatic. Also because I’m still so immature in my own mind and SO don’t feel “grown up”, even at 30 (almost). Also because I tend to have such a huge problem talking with most people about how I feel, and although I do definitely SHOW them I love them with lots of affection and presents and always calling them twice a week and stuff like that, I have troubles being open and stuff verbally with them, so I constantly feel guilty and scared that something will happen and I won’t have expressed properly my deep feelings of love for them.
Rabbit, maybe this is something similar to your thing about Grace. Maybe if you were actually near her and her friend or whatever, you’d not be quite so scared, because you could SEE she was ok instead of just having photos and occasional interviews and stuff…you know? You’d also maybe be able to tell her your feelings as opposed to having all of that intensity bottled up inside (well, it’s been expressed to us and also to your friends and also to Grace in the letter, but you know what I mean, right? You’re not TALKING with her and stuff about it), which I think helps with anxiety about losing people…
I’m really sorry about your grandpa, Rabbit. I noticed nobody else mentioned that. *hugs* I lost my grandma (on my father’s side) when I was 5 and I don’t really remember it much…she died of liver failure, and earlier she’d had a stroke but was the first person to walk after having one (this is way back in the early 80s), but yeah. She was an alcoholic so her liver was ruined. My grandpa on my mother’s side died when I was 17. That was really hard. Apart from my grandma when I was 5, I hadn’t really had anyone I loved die yet. I grew up a bit that day I think. My other grandpa died when I was 19…my other grandma died when I was 22. That was really hard also. She’d had a stroke 3 years earlier and we thought we’d lost her then, but she recovered but couldn’t speak properly or walk or do most things, so she had to go into a home. Very sad time. Then my 2 cats died within 6 months of each other (had to be put down)…the first one had cancer and we had to put him down 2 days before my 19th birthday. That was SO bad. I cried every night for a year around that time.
So basically, I also think my fear of my parents dying comes from pretty much everyone BUT my parents dying when I was between the age of 19 and 22. Ugh.
Anyway, Grace isn’t that old, Rabbit. She’s only 69 (soon!) That’s young these days. 60 is the new 50. 70 is the new 60. My partner’s mother is 70 and she’s amazingly young-seeming. She LOOKS a bit older than Grace, but otherwise she seems really young.
(I was watching an interview with Grace from earlier this year, and I actually don’t think she’s fat either. It’s really just the neck/chin part, and everything else isn’t really big at all)
Mmm. *is warm and fuzzy inside*
That's the saddest sentence I've ever written. And I think possibly the weirdest, as well. 
